Now That's Entertainment
Fox Sports Net has managed to set the bar for tasteless and truly disturbing programming at an unheard of before level. I am at the same time appalled and strangely fascinated by the sheer stupidity and frivolity of what I am now witnessing … and not in a good way.
First up in this cavalcade of the bizarre and ridiculous was … The Rock, Paper, and Scissors Championship. That’s right, a competition consisting only of a duel between “competitors” in this childhood pastime. The contestants were decked out in all manner of humiliating costumes, and even managed to keep a straight face during this grueling contest. The competition was as you would expect best of three tries for a total of three sets. The competition progressed in stages, and the eventual winner was awarded $10,000, I think.
But that show was only an appetizer for the shameful display to follow. This spectacle would stand alone as a demonstration of overindulgence, but considering events now underway in South Asia, it is particularly distasteful. The Glutton Bowl is a televised smorgasbord of overeating and poor table manners that implicitly tells the remaining starving inhabitants of battered South Asia to “bite me”.
The contestants were introduced in a manner reminiscent of a professional wrestling program, and the degenerates who took part were not lacking for catchy nicknames either. My favorites included: Garbage Gut, The Doginator, Ed “Cookie” Jarvis, Donna “Belly Donna” Velek, and the most disgraceful of all … Tsunami, the Japanese hot dog champion. That’s right, Tsunami, unbelievable. The competition progressed in multiple stages, and each food to be eaten was kept a secret until just before the bell. As a fitting way to introduce each delicacy, a 55 gallon drum suspended from the catwalk above would descend and dump its contents into a huge transparent bowl.
The first item on the menu was hardboiled eggs, and the 5 idiots to belly up started snacking until the victor put away 38! At that point, I expected cardiologists to rush the stage and put an end to this menagerie, but alas it got worse … much worse. Next up was something that I never expected, BUTTER. The butter was presented in ¼ pound sticks that were 2300 calories each. The winner shoved 7 sticks of butter down his neck. Round three … BEEF TONGUE. Round four … hot dogs. Round five … MAYONAISSE! Yes, mayonnaise! The winner was some Eastern European guy that slurped down EIGHT POUNDS OF FU(%ING MAYO. Next hamburgers, then sushi. I thought the sushi would be interesting because it was laid out in 15 foot sea weed wrapped rolls with a mystery section containing nothing but wasabi. I was right because Belly Donna hurled and was subsequently disqualified.
In each round the winner and runner up remained in competition. A “Wildcard Round” consisting of the second place finishers was held with the winner to advance to the finals. The Wildcard Round was frightening because once the food was announced, I could not predict what more disgusting fare was being saved for the finals. When the drum of ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS was unceremoniously dumped onstage, I had to avert my eyes from the screen. Call me uncultured, but eating bull’s nuts, by hand no less, is something I had never even contemplated. The sight of eight slovenly men shoving animal testicles into their mouths was something I was simply not prepared to view. But I did it … for YOU dear readers, for you.
On to the finals Each finalist was a winner of one of the earlier rounds plus the bull nuts scarfing king. It really wasn’t fair for him because he was already two meals(?) deep by the time they dropped the drum of cow brains into the bowl of shame. That’s another food(?) that never quite appealed to me. It had to be the last round because the only thing left to serve these human dump trucks was the a$$ out of a dead rhinoceros. I have no doubt after watching them that they would choke down those sautéed sphincters if given half a chance. In an outcome literally dripping with pitiable irony, it was the Tsunami himself who managed to out gorge his opponents by consuming two large platters of cow brains.
That the Tsunami defeated all that came against him sends a message offensive on so many levels, that I will leave it to you to flesh that out. That this network would ignore this horrible pun come to life and air this program should hardly be surprising when you consider that it decided to produce something so asinine in the first place.
If you are not laughing, crying, or nauseated (perhaps all three) after having read this post, then I feel that I have not done my job. Happy New Year.